ATTENTION ALL MALE SHOPPERS....

It's time to get ready for Valentine's Day. After all, you don't want a repeat of last year, do you??? I really didn't think so. So, pull up a chair and sharpen your pencils.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine's Day conjures up memories of a last minute (scurrying like roaches), aimelss shopping expedition followed by a knockdown drag-out fight with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: Dom Perignon, dining by candlelight, crooning tunes of Michael Buble and an after dinner port in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.

Most women know in their Valentine's Day hearts of hearts that the best they can realistically expect is Walgreen's fare -- a roll of duct tape, office supplies, a bird shoot in South Texas (my husband's fantasy date) or if they are really lucky beer and a gallon of oysters (the Coonass version of Viagra). Never the less, females cannot help hoping that someday, preferably in this lifetime, they will actually enjoy a romantic Valentine's Day interlude. One that does not end with the realization that they have been (a) dreaming; (b) watching a movie; or (c) reading a Jackie Collins novel.

Okay, so we have established that Valentine's Day is unlikely to involve candles, champagne, cognac, fireplaces, Sinatra or "Dr McDreamy" Still, it does not hurt to shoot for at least some of the above.

Will your beloved appreciate your efforts? Of course she will. Females are flexible, adaptable, understanding, merciful souls. You don't believe me? Then tell me what she is doing with you? The key to achieving a romantic Valentine's Day...or at least surviving it without bodily harm, is to be aware that it is in fact an important momentous occasion. This is easier than it sounds; during the two week that precede February 14th (that's right - this year Valentine's will fall on the 14th....shocking isn't it?) it will be impossible to go anywhere without tripping over heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and attractive women deploying perfume spewing weaponry.

Should you buy candy or perfume for your significant other? Good choice, but please proceed with caution. For instance, you will probably want to avoid any chocolate marked "Half-Off" (Post Christmas sale), especially if it is labeled "Dietetic"

As for perfume, by now you should be familiar with your wife or girlfriend's taste. Does she go for spicy scents? Delicate florals? Earthy musk with just a hint of Cuban cigar? Hint: Do not buy any scent that reminds you of your Mother, nor a NASCAR race or something that wafts in the breeze as Tiger Woods smashes his driver of the tee box.

Another tip that Valentine's Day is near is the rush of lingerie catalogues cluttering your mailbox. Red Flag Alert: Although it's okay to stash Victoria's Secret "wish books" with your Playboy back issues (assuming you don't get caught) lingerie is NOT a suitable Valentine's Day gift. Except, perhaps for you. Lingerie could possibly be an enhancement only for semi-precious stones.

Okay, it is a mere few hours before V-Day arrives. You've bought gifts for your loved one and hidden them in a safe place. You even remember where you hid them. Also, you thoughtfully made dinner reservations at this year's hottest restaurant. Reminder call early for anything that does not have a drive-up window.

Now do not get tricked into working late. Or lose track of time during one of those gripping Presidential debates or get lost in a discussion about the whether Roger Clements got a shot in his ass or not. Instead, get yourself home as quickly as possibly and into her loving arms. Who knows? After all this hard work, there may even be an oyster payoff!!