ADULT DEFICIT DISORDER

I originally wrote this in 2001, (very single and working in Media) when I could not forecast 7 minutes much less seven years. I firmly believe God looks out for those that cannot "see" ....the following month this was published I met my wonderful husband, John and within a year we were married. For the record, I now own a baby wipe warmer but still do not own a functioning espresso machine.


One recent day I woke up and realized that all my friends have mortgages, home-security systems and 15-disc CD players, while I am living like a gypsy in my rented loft that consists of fake plants that require zero maintenance. That is when I noticed for the first time that I DON'T OWN A FUNCTIONING ESPRESSO MACHINE. What the hell is going on with me, I wondered. Within moments it hit me --- I forgot to grow up!! I am one of the many forgotten victims of Adult Deficit Disorder.


At first, I was in a state of shock, and then denial set in. Wait a minute, I thought, this just cannot be happening to me. Don't I have an IRA, PMS or BA lying around here somewhere? It is true that I don't have a retirement fund or a pension plan, but after all, I'm turning 30 -- there is plenty of time to get started on that, right?


As much as I might have wanted to deny it, I knew the warning signs and symptoms had been there all along. After all, how many adults do you know who pay their bills from their glove compartment? Granted, I have never encountered anyone else who uses this filing system, but experience has shown that if I take my mail out of the glovebox, I never see it again. I have no problem holding onto an old backstage pass to an Eric Clapton concert or a dog-eared recipe for a Quisenart from a 1995 magazine (which of course requires the food processor I have never owned or never acquired), but the electric bill and dental appointment reminders....well, they are around here somewhere.


That is just the "tip of the iceberg", I am afraid. I am ashamed to admit that I do not understand the prime rate, and I seem to be missing the crucial neurological synapse that pontificates global warming, Eastern European politics and balloon mortgages. I realized all this after becoming a stock broker and realizing that I could not manage my own life much less other people's money. I forgot to renew my AAA policy until my SUV fails to start, there are no stocks in my portfolio or my pantry. I can never find my Preferred Customer Card when I get to the checkout stand at the grocery. I often ponder private planes are for people like me that cannot comply with the strict demands of arriving to the airport on time. Shamelessly, I spend my income on oil-cured Greek olives, fresh tulips, Lalique martini glasses, rejuvenating eye cream and the latest Manolo Blahniks works of art for my pedicured feet. Alas, forget the laundry detergent and the toilet paper. It is one thing to borrow an egg form your neighbor, but toilet paper????


So the question remains....where in the world was I when everyone else my age began practicing the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, compounding interest daily and studying Mandarin Chinese as a third language?


If you are looking for your inner child or seeking that elusive artist within, or if you want to learn how to run with the wolves, you can bet there is a support group somewhere out there for you. But if such a group even existed for the victims of Adult Deficit Disorder, we would forget to go, drag in late or go to the wrong location. So I guess I will have to struggle through this on my own, face reality, learn to set priorities. In fact, I am thinking of opening an IRA just as soon as I balance my checkbook, which I think I can definitely do just as soon as I find all my missing bank statements from the past six months. After all, they are probably in the glove compartment, right where I filed them!