One of these girls will your next Miss America.....Let the games begin!!

If you are an American over 35 whose mental frequency can still tune in Bert Parks crooning, 'There she is....Miss America!" you may have been upset to learn that the organizers this year turned the institution into a reality TV show.  At one time, news of this sort might have sparked street riots and food rationing.  Prior to, say, the 80's, the Miss America pageant was an EXTREMELY big deal, a bedrock of heartland patriotism, socioeconomic aspiration and gender role mythology.  But its cultural star has dimmed over the years, and officials are struggling to reinvent this for the 21st century.

The 2008 Miss American pageant will air tonight (on CMT) from Las Vegas, NV.....Lord knows, It's never been the same since they embalmed Bert Parks

Alabama
If you compare the left and right sides of her face, you’ll see it’s
really two different photos morphed into one. I’m pretty sure it’s
Katie Holmes on the right. At least, she looks really comfy in that
pink housecoat. I bet she’s even wearing the bunny slippers to
match.

Alaska
I like that she maintained her composure as she was being grabbed
from below. Her platform is “Empowering Women of All
Ethnicity to Embrace Their Cultures and Promote Self-
Actualization.” Yeah, right. Like we can get THAT on a bumper
sticker. She wants to be an international photographer, and I can see
why. Just look at the nifty backdrop she put together for her
head shot. She’s a natural! Then again, it’s Alaska. Maybe it’s a
GREAT shot of a snowstorm.

Arizona
In a truly embarrassing move, She wants “to practice as a dental
hygienist while continuing to teach dance.” Doesn’t that sound a
little dangerous? I mean, how many little girls can you fit in a
dental office anyway?

Arkansas
It’s a crime wave! The same person who pulled down Alaska is
now dragging away Arkansas! You know how they tell you to cut
up the plastic 6-pack rings or dolphins will get stuck in them? Well,
apparently blondes will get stuck too.

California
From the looks of things, Miss California does not win a clothing
allowance. On the plus side, I’ve voted her Most Likely to Marry a
State Senator. So maybe she’ll get some clothes then. Her biggest
accomplishment was speaking for 4,000 teens at the Anaheim
Convention Center…and no one faked the death of a parent to get
tickets.

Colorado
Holy Michael Flatley! She’s doing Irish Step Dance for talent. If
you don’t know what that is, it’s clogging for people who have all
their teeth. OK, seriously folks. This girl was attending Columbine
High School when the shootings happened. She has volunteered at a
camp for terminally ill kids for 7 years. I’m leaving her alone. I
may be going to hell for these lists, but I’m not taking the express
lane!

Connecticut
Why wear one necklace when you can wear twelve? It’s like Mr. T
was her stylist. She has owned her own business since she was 18.
Let me guess…by chance did she sell beaded necklaces?

Delaware
I don’t know if she’s into bondage or just worried that she would fall
off her chair during the photo shoot. Or maybe this was her Leeloo
Dallas costume at Comic Con. Whatever it is, it is weird.

D.C.
Ummmmmm. I’m not a guy, and
even I’m looking. Seriously! This ain’t Penthouse! I’ll just look
away and check out the flag. Is it just me, or does it look like it
should belong to one of those Baltic former-Soviet countries?

Florida
You see the look on her face? That’s the look you give when your
sorority sister says to you on your wedding day, “I don’t care what
everyone else is saying. You look fine with that extra 50 pounds.”
It’s not the look you give to become the next Miss America. At
least she already has her official shot for the Mrs. America pageant.
She was Valedictorian of her high school. Just to be catty, I checked
to see how big the graduating class is. It has over 150. So, I don’t
get to be hateful. On to Georgia!

Georgia
What is that line on her arm? Did she have it surgically reattached
with caulk? She wants to work as an event planner. Here’s an event
you can plan: getting dressed!

Hawaii
I don’t know how she did it, but somehow she managed to shade her
nose with bronzer and make it look BIGGER! Still, props to her for
winning a gold medal in some Olympic event. Strange. The medals
look bigger on TV. She wants to be a graphic artist. If her photo is
any indication, she should not major in Photoshop.

Idaho
This is what happens when you let Don King style your extensions!
Seriously, in all my years of critiquing pageant photos, I have never
seen one of a girl wearing a dirty fur hat. Then again, there’s
probably a reason. For career she states, “upon graduation I plan to
incorporate the skills I have acquired with my desire to build bridges
of acceptance and accessibility in, not only teaching, but touching
lives.” I can’t find that job on Monster.com anywhere.

Illinois
“Once upon a time there were three beautiful
girls who went to the police academy, and they were each assigned
very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that and now
they work for me. My name is Charlie.” Don’t tell me I’m the only
one who sees it. Remember the episode where the Angels entered
the Miss Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant? I loved that one.

Indiana
I didn’t know there were vampires in Indiana! She wants to own a
women’s formalwear shop where she can sell her own designs.
Finally, a place for Elvira and Morticia Adams to find the perfect
little black cloak.

Iowa
How many shots did they have to take before they got one without a
tractor in the background? Are you kidding me with this? This is
your official photo for the Miss America pageant. You’re not taking
a photo for your Myspace page

Kansas
How does she stay so pale sitting in that direct sunlight? Her best
accomplishment was winning four second place medals at her state
high school track meet. You know what that means? If she gets
first runner-up, she’s gonna go postal.

Kentucky
I don’t know if she’s wearing an outfit or is freshly bandaged from a
boob job. I can’t wait to see her talent though. From the looks of
her pose, she’s gonna be doing a mean rendition of “I’m a Little Tea
Pot.”

Louisiana
She’s an LSU Golden Girl. That’s means she’s already won a
national title this year. She should be disqualified. This may sound
weird, but I’m concerned that there is no space between the end of
her nose and her upper lip. Let's face it - can we trust someone THIS photogenic?

Maryland
It’s another nude contestant! I knew times were tough at Miss
America, but this is ridiculous!

Massachusetts
She looks like what Posh Spice
would look like if she were a soccer mom with three kids. Hmmm.
OK. Bad example.

Michigan
Apparently the nude photos have gotten so bad that they have started
slapping ‘censor’ bars over them. I just wish someone would tell
Michigan that Sharpie pens are for signing autographs. They aren’t
eyebrow pencils.

Minnesota
Did they snap that shot as she was swinging in on a vine? She may
not be the face of Miss America, but she’s a SURE THING for the
next national Pepto campaign

.
Mississippi
That jacket was a waste of a good couch. For Other
Accomplishments, she wants us to know that she won Miss
Mississippi. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I’m so glad she cleared
that up. For a minute there I thought they sent 3rd place. Boy,
would I have been embarrassed.

Missouri
Taking a tip from Michigan, Missouri decided to use Whiteout as
base. Here’s a hint. If you’ve erased your upper lip, you’ve gone
too pale. She says her local sponsor was Miss River City. I would
have guessed Office Depot.

Montana
She looks very dangerous with that name tattooed to her shoulder.
She wants to be an English teacher. I guess it would break her heart
to know that I found two typos in her resume. Let’s not tell her.
Instead let’s take her to see Michigan and see if she can spare some
Sharpie to finish out Montana’s left-side eyebrow. That should be
her REAL platform. Friends don’t let friends tweeze drunk.

Nebraska
Voted Most Likely to Live a Life Modeled after a Country-Western
Song. I don’t know how she got all her hair to grow out of one side
of her head like that, but I’m not sure it was the right move for her.

Nevada
At least Arizona wasn’t the only one.
Her biggest accomplishment was “taming a wild mustang she named
‘Sweetheart.’” Apparently she misunderstood the phrase to say,
‘what happens in Vegas goes on your publicly available on-line
resume.’ Maybe that’s why she’s wearing a wig.

New Hampshire
Who knew bar codes were wearable?

New Jersey
Voted most likely to follow in the path of Phyllis George and marry billionaires and promote frozen chicken

New Mexico
It’s called lip liner. Buy it. Use it. There are only two kinds of
people who can get away with not having an upper lip. You better
be hot or rich. Or better yet, both. She was the recipient of the New
Mexico Lottery Scholarship. Unfortunately, she played the numbers
4, 8,15, 16, 23, and 42.

New York
Guess that fan didn’t have a medium setting. I wonder what the
parakeets do when she’s wearing their swings.

North Carolina
North Carolina is totally using a
Texas flag knock-off. Now I know how Louis Vuitton would feel in
Soho. Is it just me, or is the thing from Aliens about to leap from
her chest? Maybe Sigourney should judge this year, just in case.

North Dakota
Too many comments, too little time.

Ohio
Miss Ohio should either get out of the tanning bed or quit eating so
many carrots. Or both. I love that she is totally wearing glue-on
macaroni art. She wants to be “successful and respected within the
entertainment industry.” Guess no one told her that the two are
mutually exclusive

Oklahoma
A lot of people were wondering if Oklahoma would three-peat.
Notice I said, “WERE.” It’s almost like the head of the Oklahoma
state pageant said, “I just can’t handle the pressure of the three-peat.
Screw it. Just give me her. Thanks. Now I can relax.”

Oregon
I can’t wait for her
talent. You can tell from the photo. She’s gonna get shot
out of a cannon!!

Pennsylvania
I’m not sure, but I think she’s wearing a sports-bra. Either that, or
she’s coming back from Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader practice.

Rhode Island
Heavenly Kelly Clarkson, it’s Olivia Newton John from the set of
Xanadu! She hope she roller skates for talent.

South Carolina
Guess what? We are only one contestant
short of a commercial. She founded the Family Connections
Princess Workshop. Because nothing brings a family together like
training a child to be a spoiled brat. She may be the one to beat. I
bet she’s backstage right now mixing mascara and pepper spray. In
the pageant biz, we call that the ‘winner’s cocktail.’

South Dakota
And THIS, kids, is why you never stick your finger in a light socket
before taking your headshot. Her local sponsor was the Miss South
Dakota State Fair. They could have sent her or the county’s largest
watermelon. I guess the watermelon was busy.

Tennessee
I don’t know what she did to get strapped down, but I hope she’s on
her meds. Then again, I’d probably go nuts too if I had to look at
that wallpaper. Where is she? Golden Oaks Rest Home? On the
plus side, she looks great for her 40s.

Texas
She looks like she is sticking her head onto one of those silly
cardboard bodies you see at carnivals. But that’s not my real issue.
You may notice that Texas’ resume looks a little slimmer than the
rest. That’s because she chose to omit pesky details like “Scholastic
Honors” and “Other Accomplishments.” I guess she was trying to
create an element of surprise for the judges’ interview.

Utah
Find your hairdresser, report her to the State Board, and then beat
her with her brush. Who did this? Edward
Scissorhands…blindfolded? This girl is in the armed services. She
would be the first servicewoman to win, so I really should ‘cut’ her
some slack. However, if I find out that my tax dollars in any way
went to support this haircut, I’m applying for a refund.

Vermont
Well Vermont really went alllll out, huh? Guess that fancy photo
she took at the DMV was a little too flashy. Her talent is a
monologue. Maybe she will spend her two minutes explaining to us
why she didn’t do anything for her official photo.

Virgin Islands
It’s late. Let’s just agree that this isn’t right on so many levels and move on.

Virginia
In Virginia you win a tanning membership. Trouble is, she is
driving over the state line and claiming West Virginia’s membership
too!

Washington
With passport processing time at an all-time high, Washington
hedges her bet by sending her application materials to Miss America
to see if they could do any better. I’ll just go ahead and process it
for her.

West Virginia
If my hair was that heavy, I think I’d cut it. Her platform issue: "Making the Connection: Animal Cruelty and Family Violence" Odds are if you kick your dog, you WILL beat your wife. She wants to be an
ASPCA animal cruelty investigator. She’s only one state away, Mr.
Vick. Better watch your step!

Wisconsin
I don’t know what makes me sadder. Being one Fanta short of a
Telemundo soap opera or being one Angel short of a caper. I guess
being short on Angels make me sadder. Rest in peace, Aaron
Spelling. I’m sad that the new cheek implants on Wisconsin throw
off my Kate Jackson vibe a little. But the similarity is still there.
On a happier note, I’m glad to see burlap bags making a comeback.

Wyoming
Oh no! Miss Wyoming’s been hog-tied! She wants to be a
Broadway performer, a pastry chef or a Spanish translator…or an
astronaut, or a fireman, or President. Hell, why not throw in Miss
America for good measure