If you lived down the street from me and you were feeling this puny, I would show up at your front door with trashy celeb magazines - the ones nobody buys because they are too embarrassed and a pot roast in hand.
Since you are sickly and all the way down in Texas, I cannot bring you a pot roast, so I decided to give you another kind of roast. I sincerely hope you feel better soon and know that I am sending good vibes and well wishes.
Top Ten Reasons I Want to be KK in My Next Life!
1. Kristi frequently attends or chairs Galas. Until I saw pictures of Kristi in a shiny dress at one, I only thought "Gala" was something you added to your laundry to get it fresh and clean. "It's not clean unless it's Gala clean"
2. Kristi is a "saver" - KK saves people, places and things. One week it is the museum of ugly things that some guy made in his basement out of copper tubing and bendy straws and this is declared "art". Her next mission is hairless blue butterflies of Zimbabwe. The only things I have ever saved are bread ties and wedding rings from ex-husbands. You never know when you are gonna need one or the other.
3. Kristi is very "blingy" I tell my son he "nickel and dimes me to death" I have a feeling John says Kristi "nickel and diamonds him to death"
4. Kristi oozes money. I will have to admit I have not done the necessary research and investigation to property or IRS background checks to properly substantiate this fact, but I am willing to bet a Ziploc full of bread ties she does.
5. Kristi is a jet-setter! She flies here, there and everywhere for reasons unknown. One minute she is hobnobbing on a bowl of "rich people chow" and the next she is in Africa saving children from some obscure unpronounceable something. The only place I ever go is a bar called The Golden Nugget (and everyone knows why)
6. KK drives a golden carriage. OK, so that is an exaggeration . Kristi does not drive a golden carriage. Yet, I am confident she has a footman and a driver than handle the actual golden carriage operation. She rides in the back with her stillettos up so her glass Jimmy Choo's do not get dirty. I suppose I could ride in the back seat of my car, but it is almost impossible to find a decent footman in Kansas. Even more so when you drive an ugly red Ford Focus.
7. Kristi COMMANDS attention. When Kristi speaks, people listen. Important people, too. Kristi writes a letter complaining the toilet paper in First Class is too stiff and the next thing you know, Nigerian children in sweat shops are hired to hand knit TP out of imported silk. Nobody listens to me. In 1986 I told my first husband I was in labor and he had to ask me what I said.....at my daughter's sixth birthday party.
8. Kristi is GORGEOUS. Kristi is not "pretty" nor is she "cute". Kristi is STUNNING. She looks like the kind of glamorous beauty Frank Sinatra would have called his "great dame". I, on the other hand, look like someone Frank Sinatra would have called to clean his house.
9. Kristi is very nice. It would be OK if Kristi were beautiful, but also mean and nasty and a crappy tipper. Sadly, she is "send you in a diabetic coma sweet" So sweet in fact, I am told people in the same room with her often spontaneously develop toothaches. I spit on the universal rule that dictates one must either be lovely to love at or lovely in spirit. (Spitting is an admittedly an unattractive habit and something I am confident Kristi has never done)
10. Furthermore, Kristi is Occasionally Funny. This one hurts the most because it is not OK with me that someone who looks like Kristi, acts like Kristi and has the perfect life (minus the PICC line) has to also be laugh out loud funny. Funny is suppose to come from angst and personal misery and the price of gas forcing you to feed your family "Hot Dog and Cheese Whiz Casserole Surprise" (The surprise is you bought a gallon of gas and cannot afford the hot dog)
Almost no one wants to hear the one about "the butler, gardener and oil tycoon walk into a bar....." and yet I am quite sure Kristi would make it rib breaking funny. And Pretty. Kristi would make it hilarious and glamorous. Damn Kristi!
Get Well Soon!
Love, Sher
The funniest gal to ever come out of the mid-West!
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4 comments:
Oh my lands...that just made my day, as I hope it did yours too. You are loved by people you don't even know.
How bout them apples?
She is HYSterical
JLJ
Too funny, only a true friend would take the time to write out a roast.
You certainly sound like someone I "really" had the chance to know. Hope you are feeling better today!
That maybe the funniest thing I have ever read
LJ
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